Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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