if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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