I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
