Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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