I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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