Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
