I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
