You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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