can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
