rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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