Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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