to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
