Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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