No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
