Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
