a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
