I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
