I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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