In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
