The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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