why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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