i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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