Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
