When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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