Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
