burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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