I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
