Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
