o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
