How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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