I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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