Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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