The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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