i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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