I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
