my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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