Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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