Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just threw up on my dentist
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
