Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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