I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
