i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
