I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
