Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
