the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
