My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
