gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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