ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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