I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Can i not drive my cunt home
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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