This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
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We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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