Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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