just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
