What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
