so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
