So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
