Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
