what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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