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I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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