My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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