I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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