First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
