Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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