Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
