Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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