Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
