Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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