everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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