Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
