That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
