I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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